airline musings

I'm enjoying my last cup of coffee before leaving for the airport. No matter where you go or what time, traveling takes the whole day. My flight doesn't leave till 11:30am, but here I am at 6:30, packing and trying to remember what I will forget.

I've traveled a lot lately and have observed the following:

The airlines really want you to pay attention to the safety instructions these days. They stress the point that you should actually look at them and listen, much more than they used to. HEY!!! LISTEN UP!!!! WE DON'T WANT LAWSUITS FROM YOU CHUMPS! ANd what about this exit row thing? Weren't there exit rows in other years? Now, it seems, getting out of a fireball airplane is totally up to us. Not only do we have to take control of our own health care, our own retirement finances, but now our own emergency exits from airplanes. Maybe a few more people do listen to the instructions. Not me, though. Trust it to chance, I say. I'm sure in the event of an emergency, no one would remember how to attach their flotation devices anyway. By flotation device they mean measly plastic cushion that you're sitting on and that probably won't hold you above water anyway--not to mention it's freaking cold out there in the middle of Lake Michigan or the Atlantic Ocean or wherever your final destination may take you (see? I used another pet airline phrase). Most of the time you're traveling over land anyway, so what good will a flotation device do?

People who fly often can repeat these phrases along with the stews, not unlike a Rocky Horror Show viewing. "Certain electronic devices" is a good one. You may now use certain electronic devices--BUT NOT OTHER ONES!! NOT THE ONE YOU'RE THINKING OF USING!! Please bring your tray tables to their full and original upright position. THE WAY THEY LIKE TO BE! A stew on a flight of mine last week kept urging people to "work together" on the problem of storing bags in the overhead. "Let's all work together" means don't be a dipshit and try to put your bag in the front overhead because that's where EVERYBODY wants to put theirs and it gets CUCKOO. DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE! YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME WIG OUT ON THIS AIRPLANE!!

"If there's anything we can do to make your flight more enjoyable, please don't hesitate to ask us." FREE BOOZE WOULD MAKE MY FLIGHT A LOT MORE ENJOYABLE, WHAT ABOUT THAT? YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

They now announce what your choice of snack is like it's a big deal, and since everyone is weak with hunger, it does not go unlistened to. I can always hear part of it and not the other. "Lays potato chips. stamakinkegrin bar, rjskcldk beer and wine for five dollars, rhgkslke cookies, and rjgkslekjt." This is closely related to the unintelligible announcement from the pilot. "Good morning, ladies and gentleman. As you can see, ghsldkgh, we have reached our gjdlskgj. We're passing right over dkgslgkdj and there's a rare view of sldkgjdksl on the left. We're a little worried about sdkdfjsldkgjgdk, so keep your seat belts on at all times."

A bientot
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