Sunday, January 25, 2009

Becky Tells you How to Lose Weight

Keep your mouth shut.

Go to bed hungry.

Those are my two best tips. As far as exercise, you can do it or not. It doesn't really matter and it won't help you lose weight. I don't care what anyone says.

This is the new Miss America, Katie Stam from Indiana. What are my chances of looking like this? I'll tell you exactly what they are.


Having said that, I don't want to let you think, dear reader, that I am a woman without hope. I could still aspire to this:

Well, ahem, cough cough, in my DREAMS I could look as good as Helen Mirren. Still, she's a bit older than I, so there's hope, right?

Anyway, exercise does nothing. Have you ever read how many calories you burn when you do certain things? 30 minutes of low-impact aerobics, at my weight and you don't think I'm telling that, do you, but anyway, picture me huffing and puffing--this burns (according to 213 calories. Let's put that into perspective.
It's about four Oreo cookies.

I could consume that staring out the window. Hey Beck, did you know you just ate four Oreos? Uh no.

Officiating a basketball game will burn about 153 calories, only three Oreos. Officiating a basketball game? Where do they come up with these? I'm not good at telling who touched the ball last and I'm sure I'd be asked to leave. Only three Oreos too. Yeesh.
30 minutes of "social badminton" also burns about 153 calories at my weight Does that mean with a drink in your hand? It doesn't say. It takes a little bit of effort to do that, doesn't it?

Thirty minutes of billiards? 85 calories. How chintzy. The glass of chardonnay that helps propel my eagle-eye shot is more than that. And no one likes to see me tottering around a bar with a stick.

Thirty minutes of punching a punching bag? 204 calories. Back up to the full four Oreos on this, but I think you have to have a lot of aggression and/or anger to enjoy this activity, and that isn't really my thing, although ask me in a few weeks when papers come in.

Here is my best recommendation for exercise.
It is the Otis Redding/Carla Thomas version of "Knock on Wood."

'Cause your love is better
Than any love I know
Feels like thunder and lightnin'
The way you love me is frightenin'

If that doesn't get you revved up, dear reader, there's something wrong with you. You have my word that if you are faithful to this song and do awesome dance moves to it every day, you will sweat and increase your heartbeat and have fun. You probably won't lose weight, but so what.
I'm thinking about that first Oreo. More later.
A bientot


At 5:17 PM , Blogger sandman1 said...

Instead of thinking of it as four Oreos, you could instead think of it as four jars of dill pickles. I'm still trying to understand the point of eating something with almost all zeros on the nutritional label, yet I buy them anyway... (At the moment, though, I kind of wish I had some Oreos.)

The activity list on that site is comedy gold! They even have 'sitting' on the list, so if you sit at the window long enough you can burn off those Oreos (although standing will get it done faster). I'd love to know what percentage of visitors have ever even played badminton! (I have, but not socially...)

At 7:53 PM , Blogger Becky Motew said...

Chardonnay badminton is the only way to go, sm. I adore that list and will definitely return to it.:)


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