Easter Instructions, goddammit

For some of us, Easter is the most secular of holidays. On Thanksgiving, we bow our heads and feel reverent for our blessings. On Christmas we look up at the sky and feel the magic. But Easter? It's kind of a pagan thing, isn't it? I mean how did we get from Christ dying on the cross to Peeps? Know what I'm saying?

Okay, I'm calming down. I must give my attention to to the proper ingredients for a suitable Easter basket, such as I will prepare for Maeve.

The basket itelf must have a high handle over it and be somewhat lightweight. Keep in mind a few things. A bottle of gin, much as you might desire it and feel you deserve it for the egg hunt you will conduct in the back yard, is best left out of an Easter basket. I'm just going to say you should trust me on that, dear reader. You need to be clearheaded at least for the morning activities.

And it shouldn't be too big.

God, do I have to tell you everything?
This is what you need and they come from Target. I paid 99cents yesterday and now see in their online circular that they are 75cents. GRRRRRRR.

Then you need what they call Easter grass, though in what universe it would be like actual grass I don't know. If you were stoned out of your mind on LSD or hashish, it might look like grass. It seems unlikely at a family gathering, but of course I don't know your family. Now in the store they have newfangled earth tone opaquey grass that is just wrong. Go with the shiny cheap stuff. And it has to be in a color that doesn't appear in nature. Pothead Purple is good. Psychedelic Yellow is fine. Please yourself here.

These are also from Target and only 25c (I paid more only yesterday--this is starting to depress me). One thing good about Easter, by the way? Unlike Christmas, nobody cares when it is over. Nobody sits around and blubbers into the giftwrap about how much fun it was and if only it could last a few more days. People are already drinking gin and feeling thankful it's over.

Okay now, we're ready for the more substantial ingredients, the actual food items.

First, definitely a few Peeps. They are hideous. You can save them from year to year.

If you can bite into them in the first place, go ahead. Scrape some of those crusty sugary molecules across your teeth. Only a certain kind of person eats Peeps and I like to think I've never dated one (I'm not actually sure, though). I recommend inserting the Peeps around the perimeter of the grass, so they look a bit like sentries. You could go full out Martha Stewart and actually alternate colors. Go with God.

Some people are serious about jelly beans, you pectin snobs know who you are, and I am not going to get into that here. This is a controversy-free space. Let me just say that I grew up eating the inexpensive, larger, sugary kind, but take your choice. It's a free country and your dentist needs the money.

Jelly beans should be sprinkled everywhere throughout the grass so that when the whole structure is eventually disassembled and put away for next year in the basement (to give it that authentic mildewed smell), you can still find one last jelly bean buried deep inside (or maybe a Dewar's nip).
You can use some of these other optional generic eggs as you see fit. Gnaw on enough of these and you will be heading for implants like me. The best advice I can give you for the rest of the included items is this:

CHOCOLATE!
All kinds, light and dark, foil-wrapped or plain, bunny-shaped or duckling, with nuts or without.

The point is chocolate, pure and unadulterated. Eat it all day and get sick. That is the point.

That is what I would like to be doing, but I have this deep and fearful relationship going with my scale, as you may recall, and I have to be loyal. HAH! It's across the hall from me right now and doesn't know what I'm really planning. No no, I'll be good.

A bientot

love,becky