Friday, July 27, 2007

Airline Torture

One of my personal Loathsome Experiences to Endure when traveling is the airport recording. You know, the one that is played over and over until passengers are nearly insane.

One of my favorites can be heard in Boston and it sounds something like this the first time you hear it:
"Before using Manchester or Green Airports, passengers should consider the following fact. Boston Logan Airport has more than blah blah blah flights and blah blah blah facilities and is located in the most international....." whatever.

After a while, it sounds more like "Don't travel out of Manchester or Green Airport if you have half a brain."

And finally after 137 repeats, you hear its true message:
"Manchester and Green Airports suck. They're pissant stupid-face doodoohead places to fly out of and the workers there have AIDS."

Another nominee can be heard from morning till night in Memphis. "Passengers are advised that no smoking is allowed in Memphis Airport EXCEPT for two restaurants, Molly McFee's and Jersey Jehosophat [this may not be right]

AFter 35 reps it sounds like: "Everyone is encouraged to smoke at the following two restaurants, Molly McDermott McCree's and Jonesey Wallah Wallah Bing Bang." and after 137, you hear: "Fuck this no smoking thing. Let's all kick back and light up at the following two restaurants....."

All airports play that stupid message about not accepting packages from anyone you don't know.
"The security alert has been raised to hot pink. Consider carefully whether you should accept that ticking 'science project' from the nice man in the turban who said he would be right back. If anyone of a suspicious nature--that is, someone who resembles Rocky or Bullwinkle or Bluto from Popeye-- approaches you, please report to the nearest security personnel in Starbucks. Or get one of the canines."

Then when you get ON the plane, many flights play a recording now of the safety instructions. "If you are unwilling or unable to comply with being an exit row assistant, and if you feel you will begin screaming and making an asshole of yourself in the event of an emergency, please let a flight attendant know. The flimsy cushion you are sitting on will convert to a flotation device which should keep you afloat in a public swimming pool if there are no high winds. If we go down over Lake Michigan, you're screwed. You can check the map, but last time we looked we don't fly over that many bodies of water in the continental US, so if we go down, it's probably going to be over Toledo, and you might as well not sweat the flotation device."

"Canines are working. They will kick your pet's ass. That is why Fido and Fifi must be kept in cages with inhumane features, no matter how pitifully they cry. If you're stupid enough to travel with a dachsund in your duffel bag, you deserve a little stress. Please do not accept dogs or snakes from any persons unknown to you. If anyone tries to give you a free coatimundi, please contact the nearest security personnel who can be found at Starbucks. "

"We apologize for any inconvenience our three hour delay may have caused you, ladies and gentlemen, but you may now use all your electronic devices, so isn't that great? The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Isn't that so true? When retrieving bags and luggage from the overhead compartments, please remember many bags look the same. Just to prove this point, ladies and gentlemen, we've added a bag up there in one of the compartments that contains anthrax! Let's stand back and watch the fun! Be really careful when claiming your belongings and we hope this discourages you from bringing all your stupid carryons with you from now on. "

I am home but my bag is not.

A bientot


At 9:56 PM , Blogger sandman1 said...

Welcome home -- sounds like a harrowing week. I think you now have a good reason to get an iPod if you want one, to drown out that drivel... What starts to drive me insane is CNN Airport Edition or whatever when there's some inane lead story going on.

I haven't heard that recording at Logan before, maybe they don't play it at the international terminal where I last was. For my last few domestic flights I used Manchester -- take that, mud-slinging Logan!

At 10:34 PM , Blogger beckymotew said...

Har, SM!! They actually seem to have Logan Radio now. And I was in Terminal E, where the international flights take off, so go figure.


At 12:50 AM , Blogger chiefbiscuit said...

Thanks for a few really good belly laughs Becks!
YOU should be writing the stuff they read out. How can it be arranged?
It would make airports a whole lot more fun.
(Ever thought of applying to write for 'Extras'?) ;)

At 4:18 AM , Blogger beckymotew said...

You are so kind, CB.

And wouldn't I love it!!



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