Makeup Secrets

I won't hold back, dear reader. I haven't got a clue. When I see all those tubes and jars and atomizers, I feel intimidated and awed. I feel pulled in several directions, mostly out the door.

Some of my best girlfriends love to get shanghaied and waylaid by those babes in the perfume/cosmetics counter. They get you when you try to walk through to get to the shoe department. Don't do this. Go all the way around. "Can I show you something?" they ask, looking gorgeous. Most of them do voodoo as well. If you look them in the eye, they can make a doll that looks like you and stick pins in it and give you a stomachache. That's why I look at the floor and keep walking. I can't deal with it.
It's ridiculous. There are so many things you can put on your face, you'd be weighed down by the poundage of it.









Let's start with foundation. That's the pancakey gloppy mess that spreads over the whole expanse of your face. It covers up imperfections like zits and freckles and earlier tattoos of Ricky the drug dealer that really were not a good idea.

Enough of this and you will take on a zombie-esque aspect from across the room, so watch out. People with too much foundation look like they are wearing masks, sort of like that Phantom of the Opera logo but glowing in the dark more. Then again it does cover everything. I choose not to wear it because, well, I'm lazy as all fk and don't feel like taking the time. Here is Estee Lauder, the real Estee, getting the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2004. She died that same year at age 97....some might say that we are the ones who deserve the medal for agreeing to wear all this glop. But ....

hats off to Estee anyway. Anyone with the nerve to wear a purple getup like that to the White House gets my vote.

So anyway. There's more stuff that goes all over the whole face. Some of it is wrinkle cream and moisturizer.

It comes in sticks and tubes and various containers. It's by Paul Mitchell and Revlon and Cover Girl and Ricky the Drug Dealer. Everybody has their own brand that you should use. I don't use this either because once again I'm lazy as all fk and don't want to take the time. Let's call this the LAAFADWTTTT strategy. Wrinkles R Us here at Chez Motew.

So once you have your face matted and covered and your actual skin hidden from view, you can use

things like concealer, which will further cancel out what you have.

If you use enough concealer, your true face will be completely gone and your inner self will show to the public. Here is mine:

This will not hide moral flaws, though, or legal or domestic. Thankfully, I have none of those.

[TREMENDOUS COUGHING ATTACK]

OHMYGOD, let's not forget BLUSH. They call it blush or "blush-on." It used to be called rouge back in the Jezebel days.

Before that, women would simply pinch their cheeks to make them appear red. Slapping will do this too, but it's a far less desirable appliclation technique. I do use blush. In fact, it represents 100% of my makeup application before getting to eye makeup.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to save eye makeup for next time because here is where I really shine. No raccoon has anything on me. In truth, I still use my friend Ketta's eye makeup strategy from high school. I saw her do it then and have copied it in all the years since. And in the words of Edith Ann, that's the truth.

Friday Zest, dear reader

A bientot

love,

becky