Tuesday, December 02, 2008

More Differences between Arkansas and Massachusetts

Britney Spears Velveeta Cheese Many feel there's only one word for Velveeta cheese, though they differ as to what that word is. Some say YYYYUCK ; others a pronounced YYYYYYYYYYYYYUMMMMMMMMM.
I can go either way on this. In Arkansas Velveeta is the preferred ingredient for cheese dip, the kind with Rotel chili peppers mixed in that you can make in the microwave. You eat it until you're sick, like Cool Whip (see previous post). Also you put Velveeta on top of a lot of casseroles along with corn flakes, Ritz crackers, and other inventive garnishes. In the words of one Arkansan: "Martha Stewart can kiss my ass."
In Massachusetts they serve brie and hotsy totsy cheese nobody ever heard of, like from a goat or whatever.

This is a very big difference. Coke is it in Arkansas. Coke is king. There is nothing else. You could have a garage full of Pepsi or Sprite or any soft drink, and people will leave your house and drive to a store to buy Coke instead. This actually happened at my brother's house on Thanksgiving, so I know what I'm talking about. Coke isn't bad, but I have gone over to other drinks in my years in Massachusetts. Here they drink pomegranate all-natural calcium-added vitamin potion and weird stuff like that.


Are you not going to put Velveeta in that?

Is that not the coolest thing?

Are we not going to go 85 on this highway?


Both states have speeders and road ragers. In Arkansas, the speeders are laid back. They recline comfortably against the back of their seat as they press the pedal down. They drive with one arm. When they see someone they know, they lift the index finger of that arm just so-- from the top of the steering wheel in salutation. They barely move. Hey man. Hey dude. Whutchup to? Here's an Arkansas joke for you. A cop pulls a farmer over to the side of the road.

"You got any ID?"

"'Bout what?"

Chitta boom.

In Massachusetts the speeders are intent. Their veins throb. Their complexion reddens no matter what their ethnicity. Blood pressure shoots up to unacceptable levels and voices get raised. In Arkansas, they might have a gun on the roof. In Massachusetts, it's hidden in the glove compartment.


If it's Thanksgiving Day in Arkansas, you get your tree UP. RIGHT NOW, GIRL. In Massachusetts, that is not done. We wait until later, sometimes much later, but then we leave it all up for weeks, basically until it's a firetrap.

Anyway, here's the most dapper of all gentlemen in either state, my dad who just celebrated his 93rd birthday. He is as genial and affable and smart and fun to be with as he ever was and we are immensely lucky to have him with us. He's shown here with some chick who has done nothing but eat Velveeta and Cool Whip for three days.
A bientot, dear reader.


At 8:10 PM , Blogger sandman1 said...

Maybe the Coke thing is like the red state blue state thing? Arkansas' voting split was the inverse of MA, I notice, so I'm guessing politics might be a topic to be wary of... (so too the Pepsi Challenge!)

Is Velveeta the only cheese that comes as a "loaf"?

At 9:11 PM , Blogger Becky Motew said...

har, sand, yes a "loaf" of Velveeta. I ain't getting into any discussion of politics down there.


At 4:19 AM , Blogger eda said...



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