New England Yankee Rednecks

Don't let people tell you rednecks are only in the South.

Based on 30 years of residency, here are my personal criteria.

1) public crotch scratching
2) loud opinions
3) pulling down pants and hitching them up in post office parking lot (see 1)
4) tree stumps for teeth


I could go on but they're probably all variations of the above. Some of the crankiest of them live here in picturesque New England with a million dollar home on one side and their own rattletrap shack on the other. That's because schizophrenics run the zoning boards. I know because I've got the cast of Deliverance around the corner from me.

Neighborhood lore has it that they kill dogs in the house I'm talking about, but I doubt that. My son once trick or treated at their house and fled when the old man came to the door. He didn't see any dog carcasses.

Someone said these people defecate into a big hole in the living room, but surely that isn't true either. I'm gullible, though. We know that. When the weather's good, you can see the oldest son out sunning himself on the "porch." He is a free and luxurious crotch scratcher and sometimes holds a beer can in his hand. There are days I envy his leisure.

For a while they had a mangy-looking herd of cows and I felt sorry for the cows. They were always escaping too, no doubt trying to evade their owners.
PLEASE HELP US. The house looks literally as though it could fall over if you leaned on it. Odd thing is you see a red light on there sometimes when you drive by at night. Brothel? It's possible. Prices must be low, though, and no rest rooms. Probably got the cows in there doing tricks.

Anyway, they're my neighbors and they're okay.

b