Monday, April 26, 2010

Bizzaro Mall

Once upon a time there was a perfectly good hill. It was in Berlin, Mass., and it was a hill like about any other, with trees and forests. It wasn't developed. That was the thing. This makes developers nervous. Developers couldn't wait to get their hands on it. A fabulous mall was described to the selectmen of the town and turned down repeatedly by the voters. Repeatedly. Finally, the developers won. Guess how many tenants there are in this one mall? ONE.

But they had to have it.
Guess how ugly it is?
Vastly. It's constructed of rocks and stones and delusions of grandeur. IT HAS A FOUNTAIN! This at least gives you a good laugh when you drive by.



Some might even say GROSS.
I guess I must not have been looking when guys were putting this together. They must have had a good laugh too. I'm glad they had jobs for the short time they did.
All this to have what?
It's all the way up the hill.
A bientot

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Calories Burned

On a scale of one to ten, my resemblance to Marilyn Monroe at her best remains at approximately zero. My resemblance to Marilyn at her worst is still approximately zero, approaching infinity. In truth, I don't wish to approach infinity just yet.

With nicer weather [HAH!] I am looking for some easy pleasurable ways to burn calories.
I would even be willing to wear a nurse's outfit
Haha, only kidding (certainly about the shoes)
Barring all this folderol, I am starting down the list at

Aerobics, high impact. That would be a negative. Ain't going there.

Who would volunteer to be in front of me during this exercise? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Aerobics, low impact. Is that the same as walking? How about reading in bed while bending my leg up and down? Wouldn't that count? 45 minutes of low impact aerobics at my weight burns 308 calories. That's about one Lean Cuisine. Something tells me they're not going to accept my leg-bending technique.

Archery. 30 minutes 116 calories It would probably take me the full 30 minutes to find the right arrow in the quiver (I've always wanted to work with a quiver, though), then another 30 to hold it up across the bow in correct position. Now if I were to hit someone with the arrow and take off running, I suppose that would burn more.

Bicycling. 30 mins of "leisure" bicycling burns 134 calories. God, this is all pansy ass stuff, isn't it? I want something that burns off the fat fast. Plus I only like to go downhill and you can't do that around here.


Basketball, full court, 30 minutes: 371 cals. I suppose that's more like it. But only 371? Yeesh, I could pound down six fudgcicles pretty fast and would their pleasure equal the agony of basketball?

236 calories in 30 minutes of basketball officiating. Could I earn this by sitting in my chair and officiating from home?
If I had a bag of Cheez-Its in my hand, I could eat a few handfuls while I did the officiating. But I'm more honorable than that.

I don't want my reward until after I've earned it.

Thirty minutes of card playing. Dude, I'm there! And that burns 53 calories. Every half hour I can enjoy one crisp Oreo cookie. Deal me in!

But wait. 30 minutes of brushing teeth burns 84 calories. I don't think I can maintain proper brush rhythm for that long. And it would be a shame to eat something afterwards, so what would be the point?

Maybe I should jump right to the big stuff. Boxing in the ring against a real partner: 406 calories. Maybe this is what I need. I hope I get to pick my partner.

I can think of one or two I might not mind bashing. Of course I don't want to get bashed. Nothing is simple.
Hope your springtime is going well, dear reader. Cold and rainy here.
A bientot

Sunday, April 11, 2010

How Many Super Bowls Will We Win in the Next Two Years?


Whew. Glad to hear it. Can't wait.

Isn't it cute that they both like vanilla? Although his ice cream looks like it's wearing a necklace.

Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt

I'm sure the yellow thing hanging out of Angie's dress is symbolic of the fight against something, but I'm not sure what. Maybe dolphins--are we fighting against them? Mice and insects--we should definitely be fighting against them. I would cheerfully wear a yellow sash at all times in favor of that. Bring it.

How many more children will these two have? One rather hates to speculate. Of course they won't stay together. I mean, come on. It's pretty brave of them to come along this far. Imagine if any time day or night that you stick your head out of the house, someone is waiting there to take your picture. I'm sure the first ten years or so were fun.

Jennifer Aniston If Brad goes back to Jen, it will have to be because of her hair. I mean hats off. It's probably like owning a pet, constant work. You can't just sit and watch TV if you have a dog--you have to pick ticks out of its fur. With hair like Jen's, you probably have to be squeezing highlights into it day and night. Fair play to her.

Billy Bob Thornton Angie's ex, actually looking pretty decent here, but still making every girl in America reflect on Angie's choice--WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Personally, I find Billy Bob sexy in a shriveled up bowlegged repulsive kind of way. Is he bowlegged? Dunno really. Those thin dudes usually are.
You will have to forgive me, dear reader, for low level thinking. It's spring in New England, which of course means bare trees, bare ground, freezing temps, and a few daffodils.
spring-flowers-1 But we'll take anything.
Pablo Picasso, Bloch 1063 Here are the most recent bloopers:
"Abraham and Sarah gave birth to Isaac when he was 100 years old."
Fear not little deer, you are safe as long as Brian has the pedal to the medal.
We're talking about lethal does of morphine."
"The emotions pass like days on a colander."
"I shop at Supper WalMart." [you can't get breakfast food there--damn]
"Chris and the disciples are eating at the Last Supper."
"If teachers catch you in the hall without a pass, they give you some kind of disciple treatment."
"A number of states succeeded from the Union and then came back."
A bientot, dear reader.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Handbags In Genral

oem 09new fashion handbags manufactures I don't have the complete Love For Handbags gene in my DNA. My mother used to buy all my handbags. She called them purses. I never spent a dime on a purse or a handbag, even into my adult years. Every so often she would give me some great big vinyl monstrosity with add-on strap and I would carry it until she gave me another one. Or something weird that she got at the half of half price sale. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't just accept any old thing.

Refashioned Bags: Upcycle Anything into High-Style Handbags by Faith and Justina Blakeney

I would have said no to this.

Sometimes they had faux brand names like SoEasy in chrome letters glued on. Mostly they didn't. I suppose they were hideous. And now I am offended to find out that I actually have to spend money on them. Don't wanna. Don't think I should have to.

Anyway, they make me anxious.

When you go into TJ Maxx, there are rows of them. Rows, I tell you!

They are decorated within an inch of their lives.

They have strange colors and tassels hanging from them like loafers.
They come with designer names. I am sick of this Louis Vuitton look. My friend Dana had one of these 25 years ago, I think. Not that either of us are that old. But Dana is a chic handbag user and I have never been.

One of the well known categories is the Big Mofo Bag. All women know about this. You can get about anything in that sucker. Its alternate name is carry-on luggage.
People go nuts for Coach bags too. Not me. I think they are okay. But one of my mother's old vinyl ones would please me just as well.
Fashion Handbag
Here is a shape that is very popular these days. Although by the time I know it is popular, it is probably not fashionable.

This is what I would call a cutesy type. Some of them have all kinds of goo-goo gewgaws hanging from them and I don't like those. You're just asking for your bag to get caught on a picture hook at the gynecologist's or the saltwater aquarium at the tax accountant's and have everything spill out and possibly yourself and 86 fish sprawled and squirming on the floor. I don't need help doing that.
Elite Handbag: Valentino Patent Histoire Bag
This bag scares me. I don't feel worthy of it. I think you have to be Sophia Loren to carry it and even she would have to be having a good hair day.

This is exhausting. This is why I always walk out of TJM without a bag. I'll keep on with my plain old tschotschkes. Anyway, happy Easter, dear reader. I learned a new thing yesterday. If you wait until 4pm the day before Easter, you may not be able to get a chocolate rabbit.

A bientot